


and you're dying (i can feel it)

by joshdunistherealest



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Arguing, Borderline Personality Disorder, Cheating, Depression, Hurt, Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Suicide, Trauma, Verbal Abuse, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-19 09:49:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9434333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshdunistherealest/pseuds/joshdunistherealest
Summary: For the first time in a while, Tyler Joseph lost the will to live.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, just wanna let you guys know this is probably the most emotional piece I've ever written. I put a lot of soul into this, and cried a lot while writing it. 
> 
> Thank you for reading. I love you all.

**_2 years before._ **

Tyler walks into the grungy Columbus coffee shop, fidgeting as he gets his wallet out of his pocket. 

Seemingly because he was the most clumsy person in the world, he ends up dropping his wallet on the ground, and it tumbles right in between the legs of a tall stranger. 

Cursing at himself he shyly ducks down behind the other man, shaky hands grabbing at the small item. 

"Uh, hey." A voice speaks from above him, calm and sweet like the warmest honey. Though, it still had a bit of a whining tone.

Tyler almost hits his head on the stranger's leg, head shooting up to make eye contact. "Oh, hello, sorry-I'm uhm." he grabs his wallet quick, standing to his feet. "I'm Tyler. "

The stranger grins from ear to ear. "I'm Nate, be more careful next time, okay? "

"Gotcha. I mean- got it. " Tyler straightens his hoodie, pulling on the sleeves nervously. 

"Hey, do you wanna come have coffee with me? You don't seem to have anyone with you." Nate peers around Tyler, quirking an eyebrow. 

"Oh sure! Yeah, I'd love that. " Tyler blushes, twisting a finger in his hair. 

**_1 and 1/2 years before._ **

 It's New Years Eve, eleven fifty-eight PM, and Tyler has his arm around Nate tightly, pulling him to his chest, but his boyfriends eyes seem to wander to other people. 

"Do you think your eyes could get any prettier?" Tyler gushed, cupping his face in his soft hands. 

"Mm." Nate snaps out of his semi-trance to peck Tyler on the nose. "What? "

Tyler frowns, backing up a little. "You weren't listening the whole time I was talking, were you? "

Nate breaks out in a smile, avoiding the topic completely as the crowd of people around them start cheering. "Look! They're about to start the countdown!"

Tyler huffs, simply shaking the conversation off as the people start to chant. He joins hands with his boyfriend, intertwining their fingers. 

"Three...Two... One!" They yelled in unison, giggling through a slightly tipsy haze, too bubbly for their own good. 

They joined together in a kiss, a rumble of cheers making the loveliest of background music. Electricity and life was all Tyler felt. 

_**1 year before.** _

The breakup went over as smooth as breakups can possibly go. It was a mutual thing, for the most part. 

For Tyler, it meant no more nights staying up with hurt deep in his heart, or arguments that made him question his sanity. 

It wasn't an issue to quickly find someone new though, because soon enough, Nate had gotten a new boyfriend. 

It took Tyler  a while to get used to it, sure. But the formalities were easy enough. Simply liking Nate's facebook posts every now and then, and laughing at the occasional snapchats his boyfriend posted. 

His name is Josh, he thinks, and Nate treats him well. 

He was happy for them.

Shortly after liking one of said posts by his ex, Tyler receives a text. 

_Nate: hey cutie xoxo miss you_

He smiles down at his phone. Even after all they'd been through, they were still on good terms. 

_Tyler: miss you too! howve you been??_

_Nate: missing your body, mostly_

Tyler tenses, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. That was a little much for being just friends. Especially since one of them was in a committed relationship. 

_Tyler: thanks? where is josh???_

_Nate: out with friends. maybe you could come help me out??  ;)_

_Tyler: sorry, im a little busy._

He was obviously lying, but in this situation would anyone really blame him? 

_Nate: baby, what are you scared of? come put that pretty mouth to use._

_Tyler: please don't call me that, im not your baby anymore. go call josh._

_Nate: i always loved it when you talked dirty. just talk to me, tyty._

Tyler swallowed the lump in his throat, reaching up to scratch under his shirt collar. It was suddenly too hot in his living room where he laid on the creaky couch. The material stuck to his back when he sweat, so it was hell at this point. 

_Nate: hello? you there??_

_Tyler: yeah yeah im here...look I really can't do this. you're with someone._

_Nate: help a friend out then. there's no shame in just talking, ty._

_Tyler: ...you touching yourself?_

_Nate: good boy. yeah, yeah, wish you were here. you touching yourself too?_

Tyler threw an arm over his face, mouth dry and tasting of blood. He felt so sick to his stomach now and his head was spinning. Nothing about this felt right.

_Tyler: yes._

He wasn't. In reality, that was the exact moment he ran to the bathroom and vomit burned it's way up his throat. He coughed, sputtered, and held tighter to the toilet, heaving. He glanced at his phone reluctantly, another message waiting for him. 

_Nate: fingering yourself like I taught you?_

Tyler gagged, biting his fist for a moment before tapping out a response quickly. 

_Tyler: no._

_Nate: do it then._

_Tyler: okay._

He sobs, flushing the toilet and hoisting himself up to sit on the edge of the bathtub. 

Leaning with his head in his hands, he ignores the persistent buzzing coming from his phone for the next hour. He cries until his throat is too dry to make a sound and vomits again.

Tyler goes to bed that night with a heavy heart.

**_1/2 a year before._ **

Tyler is at Nate's house, sandwiched between the couch and his dog, scratching behind it's ears tentatively. 

 "He likes you. " Nate purrs, nuzzling up close to the other male. 

"...Yeah." Tyler frowns, shifting his shoulder up and away from Nate. "Uhm, how is Josh?"

"He's okay, he doesn't really come over much anymore though." Nate frowns at Tyler's obvious discomfort, looking him up and down like he just kicked his dog. "Why are you being so distant?"

 "I'm not." He denies, busying himself with scratching behind the ears of the animal. 

"Oh, so I'm imagining it?" It's at this time that Nate first raises his hand, and voice to Tyler. 

Tyler  cowers, bracing for impact as the dog hobbles away. "Please, I never said that."

Despite Tyler's attempts to redeem himself, Nate's hand comes crashing down on his cheek. It leaves a sickening welt right under his left eye and a stronger ache in his weak heart. 

"Don't you ever talk to me like that again."

Tyler heaved, the blood warm tears streaming down his swollen cheeks, another fist landed against his ribs. He sputtered, a choked whine escaping him. 

Then, there was the rotting silence and repenting sobs of Nate, his fists balled up by his sides. "Why would you do that to me, Tyler? Look what you made me do! "

Tyler had not made Nate do anything.

In actuality, a human cannot force someone else to be inherently abusive.

But Tyler didn't know this, and instead of calling him out like he would've in his right mind, he curled up on the deathly cold hardwood floor, scrubbing away the tears from his swollen eye. 

**_5 months before._ **

 Tyler's left eye was still steadily healing, turning a sickly green with pinpricks of yellow. 

He examined it in the mirror a few times and tried to tell himself he deserved it. He couldn't. 

At least not really.

What had he done wrong? 

From the marble countertop, his cellphone vibrates, signalling a new message. He was obviously expecting it to be Nate, given he had done nothing but tearfully apologize, and then make Tyler apologize for seemingly nothing. 

To his surprise, it was an unknown number. Hesitantly he opened it. 

_xxx-xxx-xxxx: Hey, this is Josh! I'm Nate's boyfriend! He said you two are pretty good friends so I thought I might meet you._

Tyler scoffed. Good friends don't hit their other good friends. Nonetheless, he saved Josh's number and typed out a response. 

_Tyler: I guess you could say that._

_Josh: Do you want to talk over coffee? I know this sick place downtown. Say, in about two hours?_

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows. Why would Josh want to meet his boyfriend's previous love? If he did love him, of course. 

_Tyler: Sure. Meet you there._

_Josh: Thanks so much sweetheart! Can't wait to see you!_

He paused, looking at himself in the mirror. 

Slipping a pair of shades on, he sucked it up as soon as Josh texted him the address.

It wasn't a long walk, and he needed the exercise according to a snide comment made by Nate, so he walked. 

He kept his hood up and shades on as he stepped into the comfy coffee shop, a little bell ringing over the door.

Almost immediately he saw a mop of sunny yellow hair only familiar from the pictures Nate had sent to gloat.

His stomach churned, but he faked a smile nonetheless, sauntering over to the table. "Josh?"

The other male simply lifts his head from scrolling through his twitter feed, immediately breaking out in the sweetest smile he'd ever seen. His eyes crinkled and he stood up to unexpectedly embrace him. 

Tyler tenses, gripping the sides of Josh's shirt briefly. He smelled of Nate's cologne and soft hints of pine. He gathered just from that, that he had been staying over at Nate's house recently.

The hug ends before either of them necessarily want it to. It felt comfortable and safe.

"Please, sit." Josh gestured to the seat across from him at his little cafe table.

Tyler plopped down unceremoniously, adjusting the shades covering his bruised eye to hide it more. 

"Hey, you know we're inside right? No need to wear sunglasses in here, bud. " Josh smiles that same intoxicating smile, but this time it's matched to a warm giggle that reminds him of home. 

Tyler gnaws on his bottom lip for a second. He guessed it wouldn't hurt,  and his bruise really wasn't all that bad anymore. Sliding off the sunglasses he winces at the light, and for the first time watches Josh's expression fall from one of happiness to one of grave concern. 

"Oh, honey. " Josh coos, reaching out a comforting hand to wrap around Tyler's.

Despite the loud conversations around him in that coffee shop, his heart beat louder than words in his ears. For a minute he allowed himself to think that Josh was going to be just like Nate, hands wandering too far for his liking.

But he wasn't. 

Unlike Nate- Josh was genuine, kind, and soft. He gently stroked his thumb over Tyler's fingers and lowered his voice. "Who did this to you?"

Tyler gulped, shaking like a crumbled leaf in fall. He second guessed telling the truth, but his mouth was too fast and it all came bubbling up. "Nate. "

Josh scoffed. "Funny. Who really did it? "

Tyler looked hurt, glancing down at Josh's hand intertwining with his own. 

The yellow haired boy gasps, clamping his free hand over his mouth. "Oh my god, you're serious. Honey, I am so sorry, if I'd had known-"

"It's fine. " Tyler clears his throat,  averting eye contact. "He does it a lot. "

It was Josh's turn to tense this time. "I'll have to have a talk with him. "

"No! No, please don't. " Tyler looked like he was on the verge of tears, squeezing Josh's hand and receiving a squeeze in return. 

"You have to tell someone! God, that pig..." Josh sighs, stroking Tyler's cheek now. 

"I can't Josh, I really can't. "

That night, Tyler goes home and is beaten and assaulted within an inch of his life by Nate. He'd seen the texts between him and Josh and was livid. He'd broken the lock on Tyler's front door and waited like a predator to attack behind a door. 

"Look at you, slutting around for my boyfriend because I don't give it to you anymore. " Nate hissed, and claims his innocence with him bent over a cold marble countertop.

He doesn't even scream for help, because what was the use? He just cries silently into his fist,  eyes looking hollow and glossy. 

Laying naked, bloody, and drooling on his cold bathroom floor,  he whines and cries. But no one is there to hear him. 

For the first time in a while, Tyler Joseph lost the will to live.

**_3 months before._ **

Josh and Nate had broken up shortly after the incident.

Tyler had been crashing at Josh's house a week after and accidentally spilled it to him when he noticed deep bruises and scratches littering Tyler's frail body. 

Now, it was two months later and his skin still crawls with the thought.

"Hey bud, did you take your medicine?" Josh asked, setting his stuff down to start another week long visit with Tyler. The two had become inseparable in such a short amount of time. 

Tyler knew full well what medicine he was referring to. The peach colored pills that made his brain not hurt as much anymore. His antidepressants. 

"Yeah, I took my medicine. " He lies through his teeth.

It's believable enough for Josh though, because he just simply presses a kiss to his temple and smiles. 

**_1 month before._ **

Tyler is losing weight rapidly. He won't eat, he won't sleep, he just stares at his piano in the corner of his bedroom.

Something he loves, music. It doesn't satisfy him any more. 

Something in the back of his mind tells him he longs to be hurt again, just to feel something other than himself rotting from the inside out. 

**_1 week before._ **

Nate got arrested right after he assaulted Tyler. But he was out now on good behavior. 

He only knew when he came face to face with him at a Gas Station at two in the morning. Josh was asleep in the car, they were going to visit their families together. 

Together, Tyler smiled as he pumped gas into his car. 

It wasn't long before two arms skunked around his waist, and pulled him into a firm chest. He assumed it was Josh, until he smelled cigarette smoke from the mouth of the stranger. Josh didn't smoke. 

But Nate did. 

"Hi baby. It's been a long while." Nate purred, combing Tyler's hands with his dirty, dirty fingers.

Tyler tries to keep his composure, gently putting the gas pump back into the holder and closing the hatch to his tank.  "Why are you here?"

"You know I couldn't stay away, baby. " He licked the shell of Tyler's ear, making the boy start crying immediately, terrified. "Mm, none of that crying shit, you know that makes me angry. "

Tyler peered over at the car warily, Josh was still sound asleep. 

"How about me and you go make up for lost times. Bet you look so pretty kneeling down for me."

"Leave, Nate. " Tyler shut his eyes, shoving at Nate behind his back. 

Instantly, Nate flips them around and Tyler's eyes are wider than they've ever been. He cries harder, only silenced when his attacker presses his lips to his.

He squirms, kicking and punching Nate until he breaks free. He'd payed for his gas already so nothing stopped him from getting in his car and making an escape. He grabs for the door handle.

"No, no, no baby. Don't do this. " Nate begs, playing the victim card. "All I've ever wanted to do was love you. "

"Tough shit, buddy. " Tyler spat on him, hopping into his  car and starting it. As he drives away, he can hear Nate screaming after them. 

"You're all I have!" Nate bellows, throwing a empty bottle at the car. He narrowly misses the driver's side window. "Don't leave me to die!"

Tyler's eyes blur through tears as he pulls into the highway. He casts a look at Josh to find the boy had just woken up, staring at him.

"Ty? Sweetheart?" Josh asks quizzically, caressing Tyler's cheek and wiping away warm tears. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." Tyler spoke shakily, kissing the back of Josh's hands.  "I'm fine. Go back to sleep. "

Josh coos lovingly at Tyler. "I love you so much, don't cry. "

He tries to ignore the distinct smell of Marlboro menthol smoke clinging to Tyler's clothes. 

_**1 day before.** _

"You think that we'll have a house together someday?" Josh hums, curled up with Tyler in a hazey afterglow. It was probably frowned upon to christen your childhood home by sleeping with your best friend a few rooms away from your parents, but they didn't care as long as no one heard them. 

Tracing soft patterns in Josh's skin, Tyler sighs dreamily. "Maybe."

He thought it silly Josh was imagining a house with a man that was soon to be dead, but he let him dream. Continuing to ramble on about their future and how they'd decorate their bedroom hurt less than the reality.

In reality, Tyler was sick. Not in the way that you can cure with medicine or religion. But sick.

He had a plan to end it all, he just didn't quite know when to execute it. 

But for right now, he lay in drafting sunlight creeping through ghost white curtains, dreaming away with Josh.

_**1 hour before.** _

Tyler had smuggled a bottle of sleeping pills back with him from his mother's dresser. He tucked them neatly in his suitcase and waited.

Josh had left for work, not before hugging and kissing Tyler warmly. He let himself linger. 

Soon, he found himself in the upstairs bathroom of his apartment, running the bath until it was almost chest level as he sunk into it.

 The orange bottle taunted him from the counter, filled to the top with empty promises. 

He waited. 

**_10 minutes._ **

Tyler cried with his knees pulled up to his chest in the bath, he'd downed about thirty five pills out of the sixty and was now just curled up against the side of the tub. 

The warm water comforted him, giving him a false sense of security.

_**1 minute.** _

Finally, he was slipping, gripping the side of the tub to keep himself from falling in. Though, drowning didn't seem so far off at this point. 

He felt nauseous and achey from overdose, but nonetheless calm,  sinking deeper into the water that felt like a blanket. 

He closed his eyes. 

And fell asleep.

* * *

 

_**2 years after.** _

Josh struggled getting over the image of finding Tyler asphyxiated and overdosed in the tub. But through intensive therapy, he learned to cope. 

He still visits Tyler's grave every day. 

He brings flowers, talks about how he really did find them a house, and he decorated their bedroom baby blue just how he wanted. 

He talks about how he'd met a girl and she acted just like him. 

Some days though, he couldn't bring himself to look at the overgrown grave. It brought upon a melancholy feeling looking at the custom gravestone Josh had made. 

In white stone,  it read:

_**Tyler Joseph.** _

_**1988-2015** _

_**A bright personality who never failed to make anyone laugh. He passed away aside his family peacefully on a Sunday afternoon. Lover of music, and lover of people.** _

**_Rest in peace, my beautiful boy._ **

After all this time, one rose laid upon his grave two years ago, is still a lovely shade of crimson. 


End file.
